Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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