There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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