I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
