make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
