You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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