chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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