hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
