Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
