we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
