I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
