I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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