listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
