How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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