I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
