the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
