We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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