So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
