Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.