so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.