Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
are you so shy because you have an std?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
