i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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