I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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