Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
