Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think I sprained my soul last night
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
