Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
