She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
