Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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