Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
