I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
