I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
