I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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