Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
