I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
