I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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