So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
