Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
