one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
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