Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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