If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
