Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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