Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
