So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
