a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
