he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
