I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
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