I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
