The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
