Too much gin, very little bucket
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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