I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Randomize
