god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
