I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
They are going to name an STD after you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
