this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
