I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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