dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
