thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID