just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
