does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
