you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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