Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
