i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
